Let's Try Some Red Today

I've just been drawing depressing looking things lately.

Picked up a sketchbook from my shelf last night and realized I'd never drawn in it. Today, all through English class and break, all I did was doodle.

This was one I'd had an idea for a long time ago, but I'd never finished; so today I drew it, inked it, and painted it.

I'm taking a break from varied lines, because apparently I'm an idiot and don't understand how line weights are supposed to work.

Having a style crisis again; mostly because I feel compared to people I care about, and I really, really wish that wouldn't happen. As much as I have an impossible time figuring out what my art looks like, I still feel like I'm suffering from doppelganger syndrome. That I can't create anything original, and even when I have an original idea, I can't pull off an actual original drawing.

Which is funny, because I'm finally in animation, and I feel like I' miles ahead of some students, but miles behind others. I'm finally in the place I want to be, yet I panic and worry and fret over what my art is actually looking like.

I'm trying to take a step back and try to realize that it's a step in the learning process, and my art is going to change, as it obviously will as I pick up influences and learn things and get better at art... But I'm sitting here and really feeling quite awful. I've closed my door because I'm upset and want to keep to myself (so I'll just tell the internet instead, HAHA!), and I want to say something to somebody who can tell me something to make me feel better, but I don't know who to talk to, what to say, or what I want to hear.

It hasn't even got anything to do with anyone but me. My frustrations at constantly getting the horrific mocking 'B', the steady feeling like water is slowly raising up around my ankles, knees, thighs, waist, the fact that I feel like I'm going to do terribly in the class I was most excited for, the fact that I know I'm going to do terribly in painting class despite my best efforts...

Guess I'm feeling pretty scared, haha. I never really got to the point of answering "Excited!" When someone asked me how I was feeling about animation, my answer was always "scared" and here I am, scared out of my mind that things are slowly slipping out of my control.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to try and finish up my layout assignment. It won't be too difficult, tracing, inking, an hour or two tops. After that, life drawing class, and when I get home, I'm going to study for my "Shot by shot" quiz on Friday. Friday night, when I come home, I'm going to start my flat gray scale painting, and hopefully, possibly, maybe, probably not, finish it before I go to bed that night. Then I have the long weekend to finish the other two. Tuesday I have a book in perspective due for animation (let's hope I don't animate any pages doing nose dives), another character design class to just draw poses, seeing as they aren't due till week eight, I once again have no homework for Wednesday, but my three paintings are due that day, I have no idea what's up next Friday, and next weekend I'm going to spend the weekend drawing hands and feet, which are due week seven.

See? It doesn't seem all that bad once you plan it out, now does it?

I'm still very scared.

It's one in the morning; I think I might go to bed now.

Annie

12:51